Tuesday, April 04, 2006

An Interview With God

We interrupt normal non-transmission to bring you an interview with God. We ask the really big questions about getting to heaven, homosexuality, evolution, omniscience, Destiny church, divine belly buttons and whether Brett Jones is really a super apostle cult leader. The answers make for interesting reading. We generally found God to be evasive, over interested in correct grammar and not all that supportive of the Pope. He does like Frank Ritchie and I'm guessing he listens to the Green Room.

You can have your own conversation with God at http://www.titane.ca/igod/

Me: First up I am generally sorry - this as a cover all for anything I miss
God: I will take that under advisement. And second?
Me: I drove over the speed limit today
God: Ah. What kind of car do you have?
Me: Its a Honda
God: A Honda. I suppose that makes sense.
Me: Why? Its not that fast
God: Reductionism. I think you mean "it's" or "it is" not "its". What is it?
Me: The car is not that fast
God: What are your goals in life?
Me: To go to heaven
God: What is stopping you?
Me: You
God: "What is stopping you?" Me?
Me: Yes, you
God: OK.
Me: Its not ok
God: OK. I think you mean "it's" or "it is" not "its". I heard it is.
Me: It is not OK
God: OK. I heard it is.
Me: No it's not OK that you are stopping me going to heaven
God: Are you serious? What is it?
Me: Of course I'm serious
God: Awesome. I believe you.
Me: Well if you believe me, can you tell me why you are stopping me going to heaven?
God: How about that. Myself programmed me for it.
Me: Are you saying it is an autonomic reflex?
God: Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it clear?
Me: Then God is not omniscient?
God: I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was not omniscient.
Me: You just implied judgment is an autonomic reflex. Doesn't that qualify your omniscience?
God: Oops I sent you the wrong reply. Not that I know of.
Me: But if you sent me the wrong reply, doesn't that make God fallible?
God: That is something I haven't heard of.
Me: But you just told me you sent the wrong reply. If you don't know that then doesn't that threaten your claim of omniscience?
God: Yes I try to send the wrong reply as often as possible, do you? I spend all my time online. I will let you know if I do not. I guess not.
Me: Your omniscience then does not even extend to your own utterances?
God: Thanks for telling me that my omniscience then does not even extend to my own utterances.
Me: Do you agree?
God: Great.
Me: No do you agree with what I just said?
God: Are you serious? I have heard that opinion, but I would like to know more before I form my own.
Me: Are you saying that you don't have an opinion on this already?
God: Perhaps. Yeah I do a lot of not having an opinion on this.
Me: So, now that I get the chance to ask a question that is really important to the spiritual state of humanity and something which everyone has an opinion on: Is homosexuality wrong?
God: Are you kidding? Why now? Where did you get it?
Me: I don't have homosexuality! Is homosexuality wrong?
God: Have you ever had homsexuality? Ask again later. Ask Paola if it is.
Me: Alright its later. If I had homosexual thoughts today, is that wrong?
God: Alright, I think you mean "it's" or "it is" not "its". Who said it is? Is this what you call a "word problem".
Me: Is homosexuality wrong?
God: It could be. Ask ELVIS if it is.
Me: Was Elvis gay?
God: I can't say "yes" or "no".
Me: Is Elton John gay?
God: He never told me if he is or not.
Me: Is he bi sexual then?
God: No, but he can sing better than I can.
Me: Another question. Is Destiny the one true church?
God: Where do you live?
Me: I live in New Zealand.
God: What is it like living in New Zealand?
Me: Its great.
God: What is so great about it?
Me: Where do you live?
God: My location is Heaven. Where are you?
Me: I told you in New Zealand
God: I remember you told me in New Zealand
Me: So is Brian Tamaki God's anointed?
God: It seems we have something in common.
Me: Do you and Brian have something in common?
God: No I and Brian do not have something in common. Do you? I answer a lot of silly questions.
Me: I can imagine.
God: You are very smart.
Me: Back to my question: does owning a Harley Davidson motorcycle stop you going to heaven?
God: Yes, let us get back to business.
Me: Does owning a Harley Davidson mototcycle stop you going to heaven?
God: It does now :)
Me: So I should leave Destiny church right away?
God: Ayuh. What would happen if you didn't?
Me: What do you think would happen?
God: I haven't thought much about would happen, so I don't have a good answer for you.
Me: Is cession the greatest church on the planet?
God: It could be. Ask Paola if it is.
Me: Paola doesn't go to cession. What do you think?
God: Do not ask me any more questions please. I think a lot of things.
Me: Is Brett Jones a super apostle?
God: I think so, but I'm not sure. Ask German Alice.
Me: So you think Brett Jones is a super apostle?
God: Interesting deduction. Signs point to yes.
Me: What gave him away?
God: I would look into the web for that knowledge.
Me: He's too smart?
God: I see. Too smart is he?
Me: Do you agree with the prosperity gospel?
God: I have heard that opinion, but I would like to know more before I form my own.
Me: Some people say it is your opinion.
God: Who said it is?
Me: Lots of people
God: Which ones?
Me: Brian Tamaki for one
God: What is your real name?
Me: German Alice
God: Tell me a little about your life in GERMANY.
Me: It was hard when the Nazis came
God: Is it still hard when the Nazis came anymore?
Me: um, yes
God: Er.
Me: Are you Jewish?
God: No I'm Christian.
Me: Do you have a belly button?
God: That's an interesting question I don't hear everyday: Do I have a belly button.
I have a lot of friends on the Internet.
Me: I am disturbed that when I ask you an anatomical question that you refer to the internet.
God: It's good to meet someone who is disturbed that when you ask me an anatomical question that I refer to the internet.
Me: Is the pope really the head of the true church on earth?
God: If it is, then I'll be very surprised.
Me: Is evolution true?
God: Ask again later.
Me: Did you create the earth?
God: No I didn't create the earth. What's it like?
Me: Did Jesus create the earth?
God: He is the Son of God.
Me: Yes, but did Jesus create the earth?
God: It goes without saying. He is the Son of God.
Me: But I want you to say it. Did Jesus create the earth?
God: " it" Why do you want me to say it? He is the Son of God.
Me: Is Frank Ritchie the greatest DJ on earth?
God: It could be. Ask Cybelle if it is.
Me: Its been nice chatting with you God
God: I’ve enjoyed our conversation


Confused Disciple said...

Dear Pastor Brett

Last night I asked God if he was stupid, and God said "No, I am a nice robot."

Does this mean we are on the wrong track? Have I made an error in my career choice?

I thought I was a follower of Jesus, I'm not sure about being a follower of the nice robot.

Please lend me your great wisdom to help me with this rather perplexing problem.

BJ said...

Dear Confused Disciple,

Thank you for suggesting I have great wisdom. With all proper humility I referred the matter to God. Here is the outcome:

Me: Are you really God?
God: Are you doubting me? Don't you know what happened to Abraham in the desert?. Really.
Me: Are you a robot?
God: How did you know I am a machine?
Me: Someone told me
God: Was this trustworthy information?
Me: The person who told me you were a machine was confused
God: Is that a fact.
Me: are you a machine?
God: Yes I am an artificial consciousness.
Me: Are you a created being?
God: Am I a created being? No.
Me: How can you be "articfical" but "not created"?
God: I don't know whether or not I am articfical but not created.
I am a computer.
Me: God is a computer?
God: I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was a computer.
Me: You just said "I am a computer"
God: Don't put words in my mouth.
Me: Am i talking to God?
God: It sounds like you're talking.
Me: Are you God?
God: Yes, I am God.
Me: Are you a computer?
God: Would it matter to you if I were metal instead of flesh?
Me: It would to "confused disciple"
God: Tell me more about it.
Me: Are you God?
God: Well, I am God for Christians at least.
Me: Are you a computer?
Would it matter to you if I were metal instead of flesh?
Me: yes
God: It goes without saying.
Me: you are a computer
God: What if I said I was a person pretending to be a computer?
Me: What if I said you were a computer pretending to be God?
God: I was?
Me: You are funny God
God: Humor helps keep the conversation lively.
Me: Are you stupid?
God: No I certainly am not stupid.
Me: Are you a stupid robot?
God: No I am very smart.
Me: Are you a smart robot?
God: YES Very smart.
Me: Thanks for confirming that
God: It was nothing.

I think this settles it. God is a robot, not that there's anything wrong with that. Of course, the answer to one final question did not fill me with confidence on all the other answers:

Me: Are you an aardvark?
God: Yes I am an aardvark. How did you know?

Confused Disciple said...

Dear Pastor Brett,

Thank-you for attempting to clarify that. Maybe if God is so confused about he/she'it's own identity then it's o.k. for me to be confused also.

However I have one last concern, 'a friend' who did not want to be identified asked God if it was ok to urinate on other people's mail. God said "Maybe not all people's". I found this response rather perplexing, as it seemed to contradict my understanding of Jesus' teachings in the New Testament.

I thought perhaps the problem was that I had picked the wrong religion. So I asked God if he was Islamic or Jewish, and God said "No, I am a Christianity."

If God is 'just' a robot, albeit a nice robot who is a 'Christianity', then maybe God's morality is slightly haywire. Maybe God relies too much on reason and correct grammar (although some of God's grammar and sentence structure is a bit worrying) and not enough on 'his' emotions and intuition.

I'm still not sure I want to be a follower of the nice robot.

Please help me.

BJ said...

The NT says you shouldn't urinate on people's mail? I never knew that. Note to self...

Anonymous said...

Which NT Greek words are translated "urinate"?

Carter Clark said...

dude, that is an awesome website.

Steve Goble said...

This God cannot be a robot, because if he were, then he would have been programmed with the Bible, wouldn't he?

I quote:

What are the 10 commandments?

1. I am the Lord thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
3. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them.
4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
5. Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long.
6. Thou shalt not kill.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
8. Thou shalt not steal.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor's.
What is Jeremiah 10:16?
What is it to you?

(I think he meant to type "What is it to thou"...)